Visit at The Vine - Sermon on Faith

It's true every single time - when one thinks he's "doing a favour for God", he would be blessed a thousand times more in return. TToday, I went to church with Susan and her daughter as they were now looking for a church. While I thought I was accompanying them, God has given me many blessings along the way.

I was early when I arrived Central, and I waited at a Delifrance. It was a quiet sunny morning. Sitting next to the window, enjoying the sunshine, sipping a cup of hot tea, seeing the empty street below... I felt really sweet, sweet in God's love.

Then we went up to The Vine. They have a guest speaker today, her name is Janine Kubala. The subject of her sermon is Faith. Her sermon really touched my heart.

Janine shared the story of her life: how it was biologically impossible for she and her husband to have their own children, how much she has dreamt for her own kids since she was small, how close at one point she thought she was pregnant for 5 months, how devastated she was when she found out that was not the case...

She has withdrawn her faith from God then, she said. Faith is a different thing from believing: as said in Bible, Satan also believes in God. Faith goes beyond that and faith is something else. When what we see/ hear/ touch/ sense is different from what God tells us in His words, it is Faith that bridges the gap. And at that point in her life, though she still believed, she has withdrawn her faith to God. Because she didn't wanna get disappointed again. The cut was too deep and the disappoint too big...

And when she read bible then, she only read the book of Job. The things that caught her eyes:

1. that God really loves us - He loves Job. Yes, just like a father, crazily in love with his own boy. That's our God. (Job 1:8)

2. And God wanna give us so abundantly. God is crazily in love with us. No matter how rich Job was in the beginning, He still doubly gave him His blessings at the end. Didn't matter Job couldn't spend that in his life. God just loves us so much that He wanna gives us so abundantly and excessively.

3. And Job's wife, she's the mouthpiece of Satan in the book of Job. She spoke of cursing God, no hope, and death. (Job 2:9) - Doesn't Satan want to wisper the same line into our lives?

And it brought much thought and reflection and confession to Janine. And it was so different a confession another group of people make in the Bible: Daniel's 3 friends. Also facing difficulty, these 3 guys making a totally different confession: while putting their faith in the Lord, their love for God never, NEVER, depends on the outcome of how God answers their prayer.

... (and they replied to the king)... we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.
Daniel 3:16-18

It's such a powerful confession! We need to personalize it make it our own prayer, our own confession! Yes, be it to cure our disease, be it to have babies, be it for whatever! That we need to put our faith in God and equally importantly, the "BUT EVEN IF", even if God doesn't grand us our prayer, He's still our God, our Love, our Lord, our Saviour - the One who loves us most.

***********

Janine's sermon greatly stirred in me. Since 4 months ago we have been learning this lesson of faith. I have learned to put my faith in God. And yes, I understand, now I need to learn the next level, the "But" part about it.

But more importantly, I felt so much so much love from God. Yes lots and lots of love. Even if I am just writing this now, going back to the church in my mind, I can still feel God's love, very strongly. Very strongly.

Thank you, my Lord. Thanks for your love. So much love.

***********

And finally Janine and her husband do have 2 kids now. They adopted their first son about 3 months after the "false pregnancy" incident. And Janine shared tones of miracles which they have experienced thru the adoption process. Their first son is Samuel, because he's God's answer to their prayer. And few months afterwards, they adopted their second son Johnathan. After they got this name from Holy Spirit, they then found out this name means "a gift from God".

Didn't Janine share earlier, that God wanna bless us so much that He'd doubly bless us, just like He did to Job, no matter if we can "spend" all those blessings in our life?

Prayer this morning

This morning, I started to do something which I haven't done for quite a while: to pray for Wesley.

Remember the book he mentioned in his blog before? Power of a Praying Husband. I have finished the other book by the same author "Power of a Praying Wife" before I bought that book for him. And today, I picked it up once again and started to pray for Wesley again.

Gela just shared about it in her blog few days ago: love is not a feeling or emotion or state of mind. Love is something we can do and put into action. And prayer is the first action, both for my love for God and my love for Wesley.

And it was such a great experience. Thank you Lord. You answered my prayer right away, when I was just crying for you last night. It is just so wonderful to get quiet, to pray, and to spend time with God. God does change our heart thru the process, and He rekindles my heart with love.

Thank you Lord.

Conversation with Wesley

Wesley and I had a conversation last night.

He was not pleased after reading the my blog last night, about the piece on my father-in-law.

It's not that he was upset or what. He couldn't say it clearly either. Just that he didn't feel right/ good, after reading it.

The same feeling that I have, since this conversation we had.

I didn't have an answer when he asked if I had prayed for a "united heart" for our family.
I didn't have an answer when he asked if I had been praying for him.
I didn't have an answer when he asked if I had taken a look at the lyric which he shared with me on Sat, a new song that really moved him.

I think something is wrong. And I think, when my relationship with God is not right, it affects my relationship with other people, too. Now that my relationship with God has improved a bit from the down down time a few weeks ago, but it's still not back to the "sweet sweet smile" stage. And this, I think, also affects how I can love others, in particular, to love Wesley.

Lord, please help me. I wanna love you more and I wanna love Wesley more. My Lord. Please teach me. Please enlighten me. Please take away any sin or any other thing in my heart that is blocking me from experiencing You and from responding to You. My Lord. Pls help me. I can't do it on my own...

AAPA 5 - "How can you be so happy?"

Nearly forgot about it. This incident gave me great encouragement and I really thank our Lord for it:

M is a young lady from another company working with us on the AAPA event. She worked under very high pressure. She has very sweet smile but towards the event day, we saw her smile less as she was too stressed.

So this day, few days before the actual conference, I gave her a hug and tried to cheer her up after our meeting. She then looked at me puzzledly, "how can you be so happy, still? every day?" I am overjoyed by this question! And thanks to Holy Spirit's reminder, I answered, "Because I've got Jesus Christ in my heart." She didn't say anything else.

But just 1-2 days later, she asked me the same question again! So interesting. And I gave her exactly the same answer.

I pray to our Lord that the soil in her heart will continued to be softened and then one day, we can share this joy in Jesus Christ together.

p.s. But then I got too pleased with myself! Overtaken by pride, then the other day I answered another person something like "yes I do it because I am a nice person..."!!!!!!! It's so terribly wrong. It's so wrong to take the credit and do not honour God as He is actually the one to take the honour! Sorry my Lord! Really need to watch over oneself all the time for pride is such a cunning sin that we are so easily fell for!

Popo Theatre at BU - 2: from the crowd

I was very touched when I was there for the Popo Theatre tonight. As usual, I used up all the tissues I brought along. I am particularly touched whenever I think about that these are all their real stories. Happy ones, sad ones... these are all stories from their hearts and from their lives. Popo stories that they truly wanna share. I believe many audience have taken that away with them as well.

Just that I heard this line from a girl in the crowd tonight, towards the end of the theatre: "Not this again...!" On stage, another popo artist was sharing his popo story about himself and his family. Yes, "this" again indeed, as so many popo artists share their own stories about their family.

I see it very differently from her. If she was not coming with the expectation to "watch a show". If she came with a heart to "put down oneself, and give others a popo", may be, she'd have seen it differently, too.

Wish her a popo heart.

Popo Theatre at BU - 1: Poster in Toilet

Has anyone visited the toilet in the artists briefing room tonight? I did. And I saw this small poster on a stand in the toilet.

Isn't it amazing?

AAPA 4 - Wes's Dad

It's a really amazing news from Wesley that Dad started to practice eating on Thur and he was now much more awake and willing to talk now! Praise our Lord! It definitely is a good news.

But also, more importantly, it reminded me of what sui shared last time: if what my 天職 is not to take care of Dad's recovery any further, what would I do? If it's the 天職 of someone else, what would I think? An even more challenging one: if it's really someone else's 天職 , and that someone is not performing, what would I do? Would I step in to take the role up to my shoulders? Or I really follow what God has called me to do, and leave Dad in the "good(?)" hands of the "appointed" person?

Those are difficult questions I still am quite unable to answer. But this major recovery of Dad taking place in this most busy week for me, I think there is something to prompt my thought. May be, afterall, the best thing would really happen when we just follow Jesus and follow our heart on what God calls us to do...

AAPA 3 - Passion Searching

Angela also came to help last week. And we had some discussion on passion searching, different roles for us, and God's plan for us, during the conference. It was really great to have her around.

She shared a bit of how she saw things differently now, as in the past she'd try to get the full picture before helping out on any particular bit. Now she tried to learn just to help out the bit that requiring her assistance, and enjoying it.

She also shared a bit on how she saw my role. more on overseeing things, and to get different parties to work on things, but that I myself wouldn't be carrying out any actual work.

I try to reflect on what she shared. I think it's quite true, in the sense that I am really no good in planning or organizing, so I had better not to any "real work". But on the other end, I am good at doing little part of the project. So if you give me a small task I'd be able to do it really well. Just not planning, organizing, or assigning tasks to different people...

My Lord, what is it? What's the passion you have put into me? What's the 命定 you've put into my heart?

I still don't know the answer.Slowly but surely, I think God has placed me in this job of MKT for this journey of passion/ life mission discovery.

AAPA 2 - In God it's all possible!

God is so amazing. He has shown me some really amazing things thru out AAPA and really, all things are possible in Him!

First it's about numbers. We were so tight with no. that we nearly couldn't find enough seats for all functions. But at the end, God is so amazing that all RSVP added up to the max ceiling we could take, and on the event day with slight no show we could actually take every one in. So amazing. And I have been worrying about them so much before! How stupid! In God, all is possible.

A related but different experience about the golf program. Originally the arrangement was not good, and at that time we had no way to find an alternative solution. I was really nervous at that time. But then I heard from God, no need to worry. I tried not to worry but in vain. As it turned out, God has already arranged for me the right people and right contact and right place and right arrangement. So I really didn't need to worry as God would take care of every thing. Again, it's a matter of faith...

AAPA 1 - So much Love

AAPA - Association of Asia Pacific Airlines, just finished its annual meeting in HKG. I'm so glad it's finally done! But I must say I miss it too, with all the wonders and all the love I have felt during the process. There are lots to write about.

And the first and most important thing is, I have felt so much love thru out the process. I guess that's the reason why I feel Jesus is close by when I was preparing the whole thing.

I felt the love from the MKT team, when so many of them so eager to come help. With the repeated call from Caroline and the leave taken by her husband. With the repeated call from Eddie. The same with Mandy. The complaint from Julie when she's back from holiday, complaining that she's being left out... every one. And they don't mind come in early or stay till late. And they never say tired or gotta go. In particular Anna and Helen who has been around like every day! And the really early morning for Kevin and Eddie for the golf day. I'm so really moved.

The same with the CCD colleagues, too. It's really great that we work like a team, from Elsa to Carina to other colleagues in CCD. You can really feel the team spirit there.

The same is also true with the other parties we worked with. From martyn and colin and mandy and victor, to claudia or michelle. they're just great people and I really enjoy working with them.

But even really unrelated people, like William and Albert, I am still very thankful and grateful for their help extended for the golf event on Sat.

Am I too naive? To assume the best of others as they help out? May be. But why not. I am so happy to believe that we are all created by God to wanna be good and do good. Sometime we may be weak, but no one is born wicked. I'd rather assume the best of people rather than second guessing all the time. So tiring for own self. I enjoy so much being around them and working with them. There is really love around.

misc on 14NOV

- prayer healing works really well! praise our lord! glory to Him! my cough got much much better now.

- message I got from surmon today: need to wait. God has His own timing. May seem long and irrelevant to us. But it's best in Him.

- sometime I think: is sui too "heart hurry"? may be timing is not right yet.

- really enjoy the work today, though really a lot. especially the visit to Y space, really felt God was with me.

- I am particularly thankful for God letting me know what's wrong and what can be improved in the performance - u know I really don't know how to comment if it's from myself!

- But also thank God I see another gift He has given me, i.e. not only joy, but I am really excited and get interested in others' life and others' passion. and that this passion in my heart is so easily being expressed so others around me can feel that I'm truly excited and intersted in what they do. so I can connect with others quite easily. think it's a really great gift from God.

Alpha Camp

We just came back from Alpha Camp. Three chapters were covered today, all about the Holy Spirit.

I wanna thank our Lord and brother Jesse, he has got such annointing for worship. I enjoyed this session so much. This was the first time I sang along in such a different way during worship, really depending on how Holy Spirit has led me. And I felt so strongly, that I was indeed singing a love song to my Lord, to call for him, to seek him, to ask him to fill my life and heal my heart. It was such a sweet experience.

Later into the night, Queenie asked those who wanted to have the annointing of praying in tongue to come forward. And the prayer team then prayed for them. Some of them also experienced the touch of Holy Spirit.

I was so touched. At those moments I felt such an intense feeling of joy - I think God has let me experienced a bit of the joy He has in His heart, when He saw us coming to Him, coming to know Him more, coming to look for Him.

I pray to our Lord feverishly - I wanted so much to stay in Your presence, just like that, all the time. I pray to be close to Your heart, always. I pray to be involved in Your great plan of salvation, so I can share Your joy when Your beloved children returning to You and getting to know more of You and to experience more of You.

Priase our Lord.

Working Late

Last night, I worked until mid night. Physically I was quite exhausted, of course, but strangely, I didn't feel too stressed or nervous or unhappy because of such long working hour.

Some strange feeling came into my heart – I am not sure if it's true, but in a way, I felt that Jesus was with me all along, when I was working there. I felt a sense of joy, which I have long lost, from the work that I was doing. I'm pleased that they're coming together, and enjoy the process in working with others to bringing the result.

Is it something I truly feel for in my heart? - though I can't even tell what this “it” really is about. But the work last night reminded me of the time few years back when I was working on the “World Biggest Welcome” project: totally into it, forget about myself, but really to make things happen.

I don't know though if it's something actually from my mind or from my heart. Whether it's something from myself or from God.

Lord, would you please let me know?

home alone

Because of the approaching of AAPA, so I worked till late last night and didn't join the camp of our church which I have signed up previously. But Wesley did join the camp. So last night was the first time for me to be “home alone” since our marriage, for the whole night. (Usually it was “home alone” for Wesley, when I'm away for duty travel.)

The feeling is so strange. It really doesn't feel like home when Wesley is not there: the flat looks the same and the furniture is the same, of course, it just doesn't feel right.

Wesley, be home soon!

Day by Day - Something Bigger

Today's day by day talks about us being a part of something bigger, in God's eternal plan. Yes, we are part of the plan since God talked to Abraham, Issac, Jacob, Mosses, Peter, Paul... we are part of it. And that we human have such difficulty in seeing from the perspective of eternity (which is understandable...), so we easily become impatient and expect God to complete His work in our life time so we can see the result... that is so very wrong.

It's good reminder for myself.

馬大 & 馬利亞

I am reading Luke Ch.10 today. And this part so caught my attention:

他們走路的時候，耶穌進了一個村莊。有一個女人，名叫馬大，接他到自己家裡。 他有一個妹子，名叫馬利亞，在耶穌腳前坐著聽他的道。 馬大伺候的事多，心裡忙亂，就進前來，說：「主啊，我的妹子留下我一個人伺候，你不在意嗎？請吩咐他來幫助我。」 耶穌回答說：「馬大！馬大！你為許多的事思慮煩擾， 但是不可少的只有一件；馬利亞已經選擇那上好的福分，是不能奪去的。」

Luke 10: 38 - 42

I can see this picture so vividly in my mind. Martha was trying so hard to please Jesus: to do what SHE thought she SHOULD do to please him. And she thought Mary was so wrong in doing nothing. But Jesus told her otherwise. That indeed, Mary has made the right choice and had chosen the most important thing.

I don't know if Martha has got it at the end. In a way, I see myself in Martha's shoes, trying to do things in our own way to please God, totally missing the point of what God wants us to do. Or getting too busy to do our own things for God that we have missed God himself.

And there are so many earthly thoughts around on what we "SHOULD" do. Need to "unlearned" all that but just to hear what God says and teaches... in a way, I see why Jesus said we need to be like children to get into His kingdom: that's the time before we learned all these worldly thought.

what a long process for unlearning!

同股東交待 - some more thoughts

I keep thinking about the sharing yesterday, in particular about 同股東交待.

When I think about it again, I think, actually, the most important thing that holds me back is not about what other think. Rather, it's what I myself think is right or wrong to do.

So from what I have learned, 同股東交待 is something right to do: that I need to be a responsible person, that I need to be faithful and do well what is assigned to me to do, that it SHOULD be done that way... the same is true for work and family and personal life.

If it's other's misunderstanding, I can disregard them easily. As shared yesterday - to me, one only needs to answer to his heart and to God.

However, the question I have for this 同股東交待 dilemma is that it's really NOT about what other people would think of me, but how I would think of myself. I am the one feeling not right to do certain thing and I am the one who holds back from putting God first and doing God's work.

Oh my Lord. I know how very wrong it is and how basic it is - back to the "tree of the knowledge of good and evil". Who to decide what's good and what's evil, afterall? Is it men or God? What measurement we are using?

I know it but the grip in my heart, it seems still not losen yet... really need to let go ah...

Day by Day - Focus!

Tuesday, November 8, 2005

Steadfast in Your Resolve

"Now it came to pass, when the time had come for Him to be received up, that He steadfastly set His face to go to Jerusalem." (LUKE 9:51)

"It is easy to become distracted in the Christian life! The moment you understand what God wants you to do, it will seem as though everyone around you requires your time and attention! When the time came for Jesus to go to the cross, He ""set His face"" toward Jerusalem, so that nothing would prevent Him from accomplishing His Father's will. So obvious was His resolve to go to Jerusalem that the Samaritans, who hated the Jews, rejected Him because they recognized that He was a Jew traveling through their village to the hated city of Jerusalem.

Jesus determined not to digress from His mission, but He took time to minister to many people along His way. He sent out seventy disciples into the surrounding towns (Luke 10:1). He healed lepers (Luke 17:11-19). He cured a man of dropsy (Luke 14:1-4). He brought salvation to the home of Zaccheus (Luke 19:1-10). He continued to teach His disciples (Luke 15:1-32). Jesus did not refuse to minister to others as He went to Calvary, but ultimately He refused to be deterred from His Father's will.

If you know what God wants you to do, set your sights resolutely toward that goal with full determination to accomplish it (Prov. 4:25). Your resolve to go where God is leading ought to be evident to those around you. Beware of becoming so sidetracked by the opportunities around you that you lose sight of God's ultimate goal for you. Do not succumb to the temptation to delay your obedience or to discard it altogether. Once you have received a clear assignment from God, your response should be unwavering obedience."

popo meeting today - other area struggle, too

And our sharing went on.

At one point sui was talking to Helen, extending this "同股東交待" idea to individual / family life. Isn't it the same? There are a lot obligation we see totally reasonable. And sometimes, they become the cross in our life, too.

It reminded me of this brief encounter of this unnamed man and Jesus. Jesus asked him to follow himself. Then the man said," please let me go back and bury my father first."

It's a totally justified cause to me - that's my father! Didn't he deserve a proper furneral or burying?

But that was not Jesus's answer. He simply told him to let the death bury the death, and for him to follow Jesus.

I don't know what's the "proper" bible teaching for this bit. Just that, once again, I see how the "right" thing on earth may be our burden to uphold God in the FIRST position in our life.

Using Augustine's definition, "evil" is not a "thing". It's simply the ACT to choose something less good. When one chooses "less good" over "more good", evil is thus born.

popo meeting today - ruby

A lot has been shared today. But I felt most strongly for Ruby's sharing.

The topic was Popo's plan for 2006. And Ruby's sharing was that she saw it purely as a goodwill program. That's the way she justifies the spend to the company and justifies the project to other parties involved, be it artists or management companies or record companies. She would want NO ONE, NO ONE at all to ever doubt this campaign, in terms of money/ return. As the company entrusts this to her and the team has been so proud of this campaign, she does not want to see anything that others may find fault about so as to contaminate the trust from the team and the "pureness" of the project. Popo needs to be a spotless, blameless, perfect (goodwill) campaign.

(Well, she might not have said the above exactly, I think it's just what God wants me to hear... anyway.)

I just felt so odd. Hearing from her, I was like looking at myself, sharing the same struggle in my own life.

This is exactly one of the key struggles I have been having on my way to put God first in my life. Yes, what Angela called "同股東交待". I didn't quite remember I have said that before, but I guess the meaning and the struggle remains the same. That there is so many things one is "supposed to do" from this world: you are supposed to be professional... you are supposed to deliver for your company... you are supposed to take good care of the company's interest...

I am not saying that those things are not correct. I think, they are still correct. God also told us to be a faithful servant.

But then, what's important is what comes FIRST? Is my job or company coming first, or is GOD coming first in my life? Then the next question is, why is it so difficult for me to let go this "being seen as professional" burden? Is it for GOD or for myself? - MYSELF of course! I still hold so dear to my heart how others see me: if Grace does a good work? if Grace is professional? if Grace is faithful and fair and do a good job for the company?...? ...? I am pleasing men instead of God. I am seeking men's approval instead of seeking God's heart.

It's such a terrible thought. When I asked myself in the past few days, if I am loving God with all my heart and all my soul and all my mind, I know the answer is no. And when I asked myself what's standing in the way between me and God, and work is the first thing coming to my mind.

It's so terrible because even if I am writing all these down now, I am still struggling to put away this idea about work aside and to uphold GOD, wholeheartedly, at work or in my whole life.

And looking at Ruby in front of me, I see myself struggling. I AM STILL, struggling. Pray to my Lord to have mercy on me, because I know, I need Your grace to come Your way.

At last, two more things came into my mind during the sharing today:

1. We have talked about "各從其類" for so long. I never have any strong feeling about it, for what my role is and what roles others should be in. But today, looking at Ruby, I suddenly "get it" and see what it means about "各從其類" and how it'll look like when we are doing our roles or not doing our roles.

2. And also, this verse came to me when I was struggling with myself, listening to Ruby: "你們都當背起自己的十字架跟從我" Yes, so true. We all have our own cross to bring to follow our Jesus Christ. And today, I have seen mine as clearly as ever...

popo meeting today - go, no go?

I had a bit of struggle when sui first asked me to join the meeting today. After all, there is no longer a biz relationship here for me to join this meeting. And that it happened on a Tuesday afternoon a week before a major event that I am responsible for, with lots or things still in the middle of the air, I must say I was more than a bit concerned.

But when I got his call and saw his email, this feeling once again came to my heart. I know full well that the "earthly" me didn't really want to leave my work to go, but then, the "spiritual me" told me to go. I know, God has been here in this project even before Day 1 - He is the one who orchestra it! And for me to experience Him, I need to get to where He is at work and get close to Him.

So I went.

And He has got so much thing for me today. (It's like that, every single time. If I'd just obey Him and follow His instruction, He'd give me things beyond my expectation. Just that, still, I'm really a stubbon animal as I still find it difficult to obey my Lord all the time. And sometime, I really couldn't...)

Day by Day - Tempted by Shortcuts

Monday, November 7, 2005

Tempted by Shortcuts

Then Abishai said to David, "God has delivered your enemy into your hand this day. Now therefore, please, let me strike him at once with the spear, right to the earth;and I will not have to strike him a second time!" (1 SAMUEL 26:8)

"You will sometimes be tempted to take shortcuts to your destinations in life. David faced this temptation numerous times before he finally assumed the throne. Samuel, God's prophet, had anointed David and prophesied that he would be the next king of Israel (I Sam. 16:12-13). Yet, while David waited on God's timing, he watched in frustration as a crazed King Saul brought the kingdom into jeopardy. Saul pursued David to murder him, forcing David to flee for his life.

Then an incredible opportunity presented itself to David. David found Saul in a vulnerable position, sleeping with his army. Abishai, one of David's warriors, offered to kill Saul. It seemed to make perfect sense. Saul had tried to kill David on numerous occasions. God had said He intended for David to be the king. By taking matters into his own hands, David could bring an end to his exile and assume the throne as God's anointed servant. Yet he refused to compromise his integrity in order to become king, even though he wanted the position and it was rightfully his. Accomplishing God's will in any manner other than the way God prescribed was unthinkable.

At times you may face similar temptations. Well-meaning friends advise you to hasten God's will for you rather than waiting upon Him. You may be sorely tempted to take control of your situation, assuming the end will justify the means. These are the times when you must trust God's perfect timing. God may plan for you to attain a certain position or take a new direction, but the timing may not be right. Watch over your heart. Don't allow others to persuade you to compromise your integrity as you follow God's will."

sharing tomorrow and passion searching

Tomorrow, I'll meet with Sui and Gela for some sharing session. Don't know what they have in mind, but I do feel quite strongly about the subject of "passion searching", still.

Why am I here? What should I do? I still don't have answers to such questions. But bit by bit, I just learn more to seek God's view and to follow my heart. e.g. the decision to join the popo meeting next Tue - the only reason I go is because I have seen God's work there. And that, I think, is an invitation from God for me to join His work there.

And Angela's sharing from one of her classes is enlightening: try listen to your heart first, don't worry about if it's your own voice or God's voice, later. But first, try listen to your heart because most of the time, people can't even hear what their own hearts say.

And while I still have no idea what my passion is and what my future path will be like, I have heard my heart saying the following things:

1. that I need to join the popo meeting next week lor
2. that some how, I think I/we'll have something to do with WOMAD, or some other God driven campaign in the market place
3. that I am now at the right place in terms of work, that this is the place God sends me to come.
4. that I like baby
5. that God's joy in my heart and in my life, is an important element and somehow related to my passion searching journey
6. ...

Need to pray more and look out more tomorrow...

happy day

It's such a happy day today. It has been a long time since I last had a joyful and peaceful working day. And most importantly, I feel that I'm really close to the Lord and that Lord is in my heart most of the day.

Though I had the resolution this morning to seek God's will on EVERYTHING that I do, it turns out easier said than done, again. Though I wasn't able to ask Him on everything, I did feel closer to Him already, simply by having this thought.

And Lord, I am so thankful, so thankful.

Your arrangement for this golf program really amazes me. I was in such deep deep deep trouble earlier this week. And how unsuccessful I was to trust in you when you told me not to worry, and I just kept worrying. But today, even before it got sorted out, I really didn't feel worried about it any more! Don't know why but then suddenly, I am able to trust in you again! And thanks so much, as you have sent so many people to help me and to bless me, including 1 Director, 2 GMs, plus 1 Level D manager. What could I say? Lord, how could I not trust you?

But more important than that is the peace I feel in you, for the whole day. And I could really feel that You were in me and kept my spirit up especially when we had the CCF meeting today. My Lord, it's just so good to be in you. You are so faithful Lord, when we seek you, then you will be found.

Thank you, my Lord.

seek God's heart, ask Him everything!

Though I have set my alarm clock for 6:30am, I was already awake at 6am.

I didn't really try to get back to sleep. I tried to pray when I was turning in bed. I prayed Him to fill my heart. But the thought about different things of work kept jumping out from my head, and I really couldn't concentrate to pray.

Then suddenly, I got this from God, that I need to go to Him, instead of asking Him to come to me. That I really need to seek His heart, for all the things that I do, including the smallest thing that is now bothering me at work.

Suddenly I understand. While I was poundering, half asleep, if I should further consult my fellow colleagues on work related subject, I suddenly saw that I have never thought about consulting God on what He thinks I should do. No, I have rarely done so in the past, especially in the past few months, especially at work.

Suddenly I understand, what Sui shared before: even the decision of what to wear everyday, he would ask God about it.

No No No. It's not about "controling" of "fearing" that God wouldn't be pleased with a particular set of clothes. It's about REALLY living in Him and with Him, in every single moment in our life.

It's something new to me again. And I need to remember it. And remember to do it.

Lord, thanks for such good gift to start the day.

My Lord,

Yesterday, I wanted to stay home today to spend time with you. Thanks so much for your gift this morning, so I can learn how to live in you, not only when I'm alone with you but also when I'm back into people, back into "normal life."

Lord, I know I still need to learn to live this way. Please help me and give me strength. Please have Holy Spirit fill my heart. Please soften my heart and open my ears so that when You do speak to me, I turn to you, and that I seek your heart actively, in whatever thing I do.

Lord, thank you. Thank you for teaching me something new. Thank you to let me live closer to you. Yes, closer and closer.

Love,
Grace.

In name of Jesus Christ I pray, AMEN.

You comfort me, and other thoughts

Dear Lord,

Thank you so much, my Lord. You comfort me. In You I find peace.

I couldn't hold my tears when I went to CCF for our Power Assembly today, with much worship and prayer. Once again, I felt You were so close. I could feel that You are just there, just there, pouring out Your love and grace to us all. Lord, thanks so much for comforting my heart.

Lord, it has been tough this week. I've been one day up, one day down. I know what the problem is - i.e. I am too affected by what I see with my eyes, by what's happening around me. Especially on work related stuff. I haven't been fixing my eyes on You. Though You have already told me not to worry and trust in You, I still felt worried and got nervous and couldn't really relax in you and hand in my burden.

I feel so frustrated and tired, my lord. Last week was good, when I took a day off and have a whole day, spending time with you quietly. But as I get back to work this week, for full 4 days now, I am struggling so badly to try get close to you. Not only daily but all the time, and at work as well.

I know it full well that if we live in the "right" way, it doesn't matter what we do or where we work, as long as we hold You on high and to follow the greatest command, i.e. to love You with all my heart and all my mind and all my soul. But then, I also know that I am not at that "stage" yet - I find it rather difficult to put into practice especially when I am at work.

Is it a decision thing? Am I swinging to and fro? Or do I really don't know how to put it into practice, especially when so many things happening at work that swept all over me?

Ideally I should be able to put you first, no matter what I work on and where I work. But with where I am now spiritually, is that possible? Or is there another way out like going somewhere that I can really do so, i.e. to put you first?

These questions are so familiar. I can well remember when and whom I have discussed them before - Jesse, Angela, and Sui. But last time, it was Jesse asking some similar questions.

I must say sorry to Jesse. In the past, I couldn't understand his struggle. I couldn't understand why it was so difficult for him to make some decisions, especially when such good opportunities come along like Popo.

I am so sorry, Jesse. Now that I know. And now I admire what you have done in the past. It's not easy. It's not easy at all!! I only know when I now get into your shoe. I don't know. I feel like I can't even do what you have done in the past.

I wanted it so much to take tomorrow off again so that I could have some more quiet time with God. And Wesley asked me if I was trying to escape from work as I did it so frequently. Frankly, I know I'm not escaping from work - sometime I do and I'd admit it. But not this time, or last week. There is just this urge from my heart that I long for God. I long to see His face, hear His voice, know His heart. And I need good, quality quiet time with Him to do so.

Daily schedule has been so hactic nowadays. I am just too tired most of the time to be able to concentrate and to pray properly. Most of the time I am just way too tired, and would fall asleep before going into the 3rd sentence of my prayer. Or when I'm not as sleepy, I got so worried about work that before going into the 3rd sentence of my prayer, ideas and thoughts about particular job on hand will jump into my mind.

My Lord, but I only wanna talk to you. Like now, it's good. Typing and writing help me focus on you.

Lord, you know I really long for you. I long to know your heart.

OK... and thank you, I won't worry about that golf program again. And it's OK for me to go to work tomorrow. Just try to feel God's heart, as frequent as possible, whenever I remember. And try to be myself, yes, to serve God.

Really no need to worry about the golf tour - no need to worry that much about this group of CEO. They'll be OK. Their ego may be big but cultivating their big ego is not what God wants. They'll be OK.

Lord, thank you Lord. You keep on telling me that it'll be OK. You've been telling me for the whole week already but I am still in doubt. So bad of me. Thank you Lord. I'll try not to be in doubt and rely on and relax in you. Thank you for telling me the above.

Lord, I am already really tired but I don't wanna go. I wanna keep talking to you and hearing your voice. Lord, it's so good to be in you.

Lord, what should I do at work? I still don't know.

The popo meeting next week. I think the only reason I promise to go is that I see you there, Lord. And as taught by Blakaby in "Experiencing God", I think, if and when you let me know you are working somewhere, that's an invitation for me to join your work there. So I need to adjust my life and my plan to come join you. It's so obvious that you're working so powerfully thru the popo campaign, so no matter what, I still wanna join the meeting next week. Lord, I still don't know if CX will be a popo sponsor/ partner again, and I don't have the faith yet that it'll happen. But I know I need to, I have to be involved and get to that meeting next week. And then, God, you'll lead the way.

And it's so interesting, my Lord. As discussed with gela the other day, all of us have different things and challenges to go thru. For her, it never is a concern or an obstacle to take a day off or two if she really feels the need to get close to you. For me, it's such a difficult thing. It's still the "professionalism" thing, I guess. Though I still very much wanna stay home and just spend time with you tomorrow, I feel I really can't do so, with so many outstanding tasks and lose ends I need to tie up before the week end.

Does it mean that I don't put you first? Does it mean that I don't love you with all my heart and soul and mind?

Lord, I don't know. It just doesn't seem right to do so. But is it "my right or wrong" or YOUR right or wrong? Is it once again that "fruit from tree of knowledge"? Lord, so what is it?

Once again I can't tell if it's voice from my heart or voice from You, but I still feel that it's OK for me to go to work ne xt week. But really to comfort me, that's why You have given me such a good long session with you tonight. It has been over 30 min now since I first started typing this journal tonight. And I enjoy it very much, my Lord, to converse with you in email/ blog.

Lord, I love you. I want more time with you. I want to do more for you. Can you help me to do so in the current environment (at work)? Or if it can't be done at this environment, can you please tell me what I should do or if I need to change so as to get closer to you and put you first in my life? Lord, I cry to you and I seek your face. I look for you. And you've said, you'll be found. So I continue to wait upon you, my Lord.

As John prayed for us last Sunday, sometime, God's work looks really slow to us. But we need to wait on our Lord, and be patient. So I'll wait, my Lord. I'll wait for you.

Thank you my Lord. It's a good night of talk. I need to talk to you like this more often. Thank you, once again, for everything you have given me and everything you have prepared for me.

Praise you, my Lord Jesus.

In name of Jesus Christ,
AMEN.

Obedience

God talks to me again today...

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Wednesday, November 2, 2005

Have You Done What You Know to Do?

"Therefore, to him who knows to do good and does not do it, to him it is sin." (JAMES 4:17)

"It is never a minor thing to know God's will and not do it. God calls this sin. We can make excuses for our lack of obedience: ""I'm just not ready yet"" or ""I'll do it later!"" or ""I don't think it will make a difference"" or ""I can't afford to!"" We rationalize, we procrastinate; yet, in God's eyes, rationalization and procrastination are nothing more than disobedience. At times we deceive ourselves into thinking that good intentions equal obedient actions. They do not. A good intention without corresponding activity is disobedience. When we encounter God and He gives us a direction, it is not enough to write down the date in our spiritual journal, or even to tell our friends and church of our ""decision."" God's call is not to ""make a decision"" but to obey! Deciding to obey is not equal to obeying! (Matt. 21:28-31). Loudly affirming the necessity of obedience is not the same as obeying (Luke 6:46). Making commitments, even publicly, is not the same as obeying our Lord. Substituting our own good works is not the same as obeying.

God told King Saul to wait until the prophet Samuel arrived. Instead of waiting, Saul took matters into his own hands and offered a sacrifice. Saul discovered, to his deep dismay, that other acts of supposed piety do not take the place of obeying a clear command from God (1 Sam. 15:22). As with Saul, God expects you to obey everything exactly as He tells you. Only obedience satisfies God's desire for obedience!"