Saturday, October 29, 2005

Passion

And today I also prayed about Passion, or my destiny – is there some unique plan God has for my life? There must be, I think.

And when I prayed about it today, I just feel that God has given me this special gift of JOY all along. Yes, such a strong feeling of the JOY and PEACE from Him and Him alone. The same feeling of His love. The same feeling that puts sweet smile on my face whenever I think about it. And it would be so good to share it and to bring it to others. So by simply being there and smile my smile, they can see this light and joy and peace and love from God. Let me be their blessings. In God, let me be others' blessings.

Not exactly a passion, may be, just something I wanna take note when I pray about the subject.

Baby

I have been taking a “if it happens it happens” approach for quite a while. But deep down, I know I have been having some worry – worry that I would worry more about earthly things, about income, about expenses, about the baby... more than my relationship with God. And I also feel that it may not be the right timing, feeling there is so much thing to do.

But Wesley has been feeling quite strongly about it recently. Not only about having a baby but about our family, not just the two of us, walking in God's way.

As I've got no particular answer to this subject on Thursday, I just prayed about it today, this morning.

It was a very short prayer session, but I felt so strongly the presence of our Lord. Yes, I enjoyed it so much. Felt like I've physically opened the window of my heart and the love from God just flew in, and in.

And then suddenly this question came into my mind: do you really want a baby? And I asked my heart this question, and the answer was YES. Yes, though I have been trying not to fix a time for it or do particular thing for it or to actively pray for it or even sometime didn't want to think about it or even worried about it, deep down, after all, I still feel that it's a blessing from God. Life is such a beautiful thing in Him. And yes, my Lord, if it's your will, please let us have a baby.

But I also pray, my Lord, that this baby must only bring us closer to You, not further. And the baby must make us understand your love more, not less.

Friday, October 28, 2005

wanna cry

I wanna cry.

As I walked down the corridor just now and said hi to Mickey, I felt this joy and thankfulness came back in full to me. Yes, a feeling that I have long missed. But once again, this divine joy and peace I know it can only come from one place, fills my heart again. It's so overwhelming. I know even my smile is a different smile when God is in my heart.

I wanna cry, with tears of joy.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Lord, you are faithful


Dear my Lord,

You are so faithful! As always!

I was so worried this morning if lots of things would pile up at work if I take today off. But then, when I checked email just now, it really isn't that bad! only 55 email and none of them really urgent, and my phone just rang once the whole day.

Lord, I am really of little faith and do need to learn to rely on you more and more. And to always "seek ye first the kingdom of God"!

Thank you Lord.

today is good, good with God

Today is good.

The day was started with "seeking God's heart". I just pray to understand God's heart. Just sit there, praying, waiting, just try to feel God's heart for me, for people around me.

The first very strong feeling is that God loves Wes's Dad very much. And He also loves Wes's Mom very much. Yes He loves us, very, very much. And with all those ups and downs that we've been through, He has been there with us all along. And, it's difficult to explain or for me to understand, but it's exactly because He loves us so much that there are so many ups and downs that we've been thru. No matter what, I just know that He loves Dad, very, very much.

And the second thing is, that He has got great plan for us! For me and Wesley. Yes, He loves us very much too and have great plan for us. great plan. He is preparing us for something big.

What I have also done was to meditate on His love. Yes for the past few weeks I have been having such difficulty in feeling God's love for me. But today, I just try to put myself back to those time that I would simply smile to myself on a bus, on the road, because of the love I felt from God. Those was such wonderful time. I can't say I am totally back to that stage now. But I know what I am looking for, and I am clearly reminded that what I have been missing. And I know I haven't been grateful, that's why I have been so miserable lately. You know, when you are grateful and can see God's gift and grace in all things, then you'd have that sweet smile all the time. Yes, I haven't counted my blessings for too long and now is the time to do that again, so I can once again be immersed in the love of God.

I have also "practiced" 禱讀 today with 2 verses. 禱讀 is really, really good. I can really feel how God's words nurture my spirit through practicing it. Can you imagine? Even a simple phrase of 神的兒女 from 1John 3:1 is enough for me to go over again and again.

你看父賜給我們是何等的慈愛,使我們得稱為神的兒女;我們也真是他的兒女
約一 3:1
Yes we have heard this term so many many times. But this is the first time I really really try to let it sinks in, deeply to my heart, what it means for us to be God's sons and daughters. How deep His love is. How unnecessary for Him to do so. How special this identity is. And how much it means for us to be REALLY, really, God's children.

And I again go back to the verse we practiced on Sunday:

你們需用的這一切東西,你們的天父是知道的。你們要求他的國和他的義,這些東西都要加給你們了
太 6:32-33
Just gain so much strength and peace from this verse. Yes, nothing to worry at all.

I also prayed about my passion, what God's plan for me, and what to do at work. I haven't really got the answer yet. But when I look back, I think the greatest thing I feel at work is that it is a platform and it opens the doors to many people's lives. I get to know and establish relationship with others through work. I get to really know them and like them, and love them as God's love for them flows into my heart. And if the time is right may be we can share many more things than just work, but life itself. And it's really the most fulfilling thing to me, when I can touch on other people's lives.

And then this line from the hymn came to my mind:
日日服侍主我心歡喜
Yes, suddenly this joy came to my heart, feeling so happy for work. Just imagine all the work I have done or I am to do is to serve my Lord! Isn't it wonderful? Yes, serving others just as if I'm serving my Lord. wholeheartedly.

But in addition to that, is there something else? Something more closely related to my passion or destiny? I suspect so. Just that I still haven't found out yet. Need to continue to pray and wait on my Lord.

The other thing I have also prayed about is our family and baby. I asked God if it's something that He has in mind for me. Again, no answer. Will just need to continue to seek and pray.

And reading "Day by Day" again, I also tried to meditate to see what God is telling me through his activities around me. I can clearly say that He is using Vision a lot, every one there. And I think it's the first time I truly appreciate how each and every one of them at Vision has been "taking up their own cross" to follow Jesus. I just tried to put myself into each of their own shoes... and it's really tough. But then they have decided to follow Jesus! So they're going to live this abundant life in Him.

It's also true with Helen, when she shared about her latest battle/ struggle for next year's business plan and the value she got from God and tried to put in... it's not easy for her, either. But then, she has decided to press on, any way.

How about me? Then I read this verse:
還有那撒在荊棘裡的,就是人聽了道,後來有世上的思慮、錢財的迷惑,和別樣的私慾進來,把道擠住了,就不能結實。
可 4:18-1
I can feel that 荊棘 in my life: my worry over my family, my work, how people see me, approval from the world... these are stopping me to grow towards God. So I made a prayer and in Jesus' name, I ordered all these 荊棘 to leave my heart and leave my life. So my heart will become "good soil" to let God's words grow and bear much fruit.

Then I have finished reading the whole book of Mark once. This time, I am most amazed by the many healing Jesus has done in his days. Yes, lots and lots of miraculous healing. I wanna bring the bible to read to Dad tonight. It says something to me.

time with God

I just applied a day off and plan to stay home today.

I just feel it so strongly again, that I need to spend some good time with God. Has beeng getting this message again in the past few days from "Experiencing God Day-by-Day". Feel so bad that the Tuesday got "wasted" - I was on sick leave that day and supposingly, I should have taken some rest, have time for myself, and can spend some good time with God. But then, the whole day I was working from home. With all the email and phone calls... I just simply worked from home. I didn't "seek ye first". I was too into my job and work. And I regretted it.


So I take today off, devotedly taking it as an annual leave, quietly, I know I really need some good time in You.


And this time, it's a bit different from my feeling like a month ago - at that time I was so fed up with my work, that I tried very hard to escape from it. So I was pleased to take leave for quiet time then. But it's quite different today. Now that things are getting back on track, I feel like drawing into work. And this, is what I need to think about today as well... it cannot be more important than God. The fact that I didn't start writing this blog until I cleared all the emails says something...


Pray for me to have a good day ahead.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Worship this morning - Pure Heart, Pruning, and Time with God

God is so great. I have always enjoyed the worship at our church. But particularly this morning, I felt there was something in particular that God wanted me to know.

It started with Caroline reading out from the Bible:

Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
Phi 3:13-14
He said to them, "Because of your little faith. For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you."
Mat 17:20

I am still stuck. But instead of feeling “stuck-stuck” as a few days before, I got the encouragement from God from the above verses this morning. Once again, there is hope in my heart and I know, I know such “stuckness” is going to pass. I now am able to look pass the road blocks in front of me, and am now able to see how they are actually tools God uses and God sends into my way. For He has something better for me in my life. He has something better planned for me. And only if I pass thru such blocks I would be able to get to where He wants me to be.

And it's a “pure heart” as in here:
"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."
Mat 5:8
Yes. This is the message I heard this morning, when I was crying, praying to God. A pure heart. This is the prize in front of me now and that God definitely wants me to get. I just need to put everything behind myself and press toward the goal for it.

And this morning God reminded me of this book Helen gave me as my baptism gift. This little book about pruning. I was suddenly reminded of what was said in the book. How we might experience when God prune us for the better, how painful it might feel, but how fruitful if we just be humble and follow and let go.

And it's just like that, a pure heart. A pure heart at the centre of our very spirit and soul, that once all the less important outer layers are removed thru pruning, then we are left with this pure heart, only filled with God and God alone.

And this article in the "Kingdom Revival Times (HK)" today is really like another alarm clock from God. This article is about the importance for us to be 'God's people' instead of doing 'God's work'. If we mix up the priority, things will go wrong and we'll just rely on our own strength instead of relying on God on everything.

It's nothing new, isn't it? Yes. But it's always the same trick that we fall for. So stupid. Thank God that He doesn't mind that and He still loves us in the same way, though we keep falling. But I must say, Holy Spirit has actually broght this same message to me a few times before. Yet I haven't done enough to right the wrong. The last time I had such feeling of not spending enough time with God, I then got an extra 2 hours with God before a meeting in McCann. But that's really not enough. Two hours is short and if it's just one-off it's not good enough.

Tomorrow is a start. I look forward to a day, dedicated to God, with fasting praying and bible reading. And I really wanna get the priority right in my life.

Friday, October 07, 2005

CCF

Today the CCF (Cathay Christian Fellowship) Core Team members are having lunch together.

I really didn't feel for it today but I still went. That's why no reminder/ agenda item anything from me.

But it was a blessing for me to go. We had some good discussion of what we may do for the Christmas function. But most importantly, I've asked the brothers and sisters to pray for me as I am so stuck.

Couldn't hold the tears in my eyes when they prayed for me. Yes yes yes, slowly, bit by bit, I can feel His love through the people filled by His love...

God is Good

This is what comes in the “Daily Bread” today:

Since,... you have raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above,
where Christ is seated at the right hand of God.
Colossians 3:1

所以你們若真與基督一同復活、就當求在上面的事.

那裡有基督坐在神的右邊。

西 3:1


Live above the circumstances, not under them.

Isn’t it great? Didn’t I say God loves me? I know He does and I know it’s what I need to do: look above and not under… just that am still struggling to do so… sigh…

Stuck

I have not felt so stuck for a long long time.

This time, it’s really bad. It has gone on for quite a while already (2 weeks? 3 weeks?) and it has been particularly bad this week. It is bad because I can’t even feel the love from God.

Yes His love is there in my mind. But I can’t feel it in my heart. I know it’s there and He’s there, I just can’t feel it, no matter how hard I try.

Feel so totally tied up. Like being tied up into a big bundle by rolls and rolls of ropes. Like a big rice dumpling for Tuen Ng Festival. And it would definitely sink to the bottom if you throw it into the water.

The most difficult thing is, it is not that I don’t know there is something wrong. It is not that I don’t recognize the fact that something needs to be done. It is not that I don’t wanna go back to God or to experience the wonder and love from Him once again. It is difficult because I really DO wanna go back to Him. I miss Him badly. I miss the joy and love and the total completeness in Him terribly. It’s just that I can’t find my way back. I feel like a lost child couldn’t find her way home.

You know what would help? I think I desperately need some quiet time in Him. I need some good, long, focus, quiet, solitude time in Him and with Him in prayer. I don’t know what I’ll get out of it. But I certainly know I’ll go no where if I don’t go to Him first.

Lord, you said that if we look for you genuinely you’ll be found. Lord, you said that if we open the door when you knock, you’ll be with us. Lord, please help me to find the way to you again, and help me to locate the door knob.