Dear Lord,
Thank you so much, my Lord. You comfort me. In You I find peace.
I couldn't hold my tears when I went to CCF for our Power Assembly today, with much worship and prayer. Once again, I felt You were so close. I could feel that You are just there, just there, pouring out Your love and grace to us all. Lord, thanks so much for comforting my heart.
Lord, it has been tough this week. I've been one day up, one day down. I know what the problem is - i.e. I am too affected by what I see with my eyes, by what's happening around me. Especially on work related stuff. I haven't been fixing my eyes on You. Though You have already told me not to worry and trust in You, I still felt worried and got nervous and couldn't really relax in you and hand in my burden.
I feel so frustrated and tired, my lord. Last week was good, when I took a day off and have a whole day, spending time with you quietly. But as I get back to work this week, for full 4 days now, I am struggling so badly to try get close to you. Not only daily but all the time, and at work as well.
I know it full well that if we live in the "right" way, it doesn't matter what we do or where we work, as long as we hold You on high and to follow the greatest command, i.e. to love You with all my heart and all my mind and all my soul. But then, I also know that I am not at that "stage" yet - I find it rather difficult to put into practice especially when I am at work.
Is it a decision thing? Am I swinging to and fro? Or do I really don't know how to put it into practice, especially when so many things happening at work that swept all over me?
Ideally I should be able to put you first, no matter what I work on and where I work. But with where I am now spiritually, is that possible? Or is there another way out like going somewhere that I can really do so, i.e. to put you first?
These questions are so familiar. I can well remember when and whom I have discussed them before - Jesse, Angela, and Sui. But last time, it was Jesse asking some similar questions.
I must say sorry to Jesse. In the past, I couldn't understand his struggle. I couldn't understand why it was so difficult for him to make some decisions, especially when such good opportunities come along like Popo.
I am so sorry, Jesse. Now that I know. And now I admire what you have done in the past. It's not easy. It's not easy at all!! I only know when I now get into your shoe. I don't know. I feel like I can't even do what you have done in the past.
I wanted it so much to take tomorrow off again so that I could have some more quiet time with God. And Wesley asked me if I was trying to escape from work as I did it so frequently. Frankly, I know I'm not escaping from work - sometime I do and I'd admit it. But not this time, or last week. There is just this urge from my heart that I long for God. I long to see His face, hear His voice, know His heart. And I need good, quality quiet time with Him to do so.
Daily schedule has been so hactic nowadays. I am just too tired most of the time to be able to concentrate and to pray properly. Most of the time I am just way too tired, and would fall asleep before going into the 3rd sentence of my prayer. Or when I'm not as sleepy, I got so worried about work that before going into the 3rd sentence of my prayer, ideas and thoughts about particular job on hand will jump into my mind.
My Lord, but I only wanna talk to you. Like now, it's good. Typing and writing help me focus on you.
Lord, you know I really long for you. I long to know your heart.
OK... and thank you, I won't worry about that golf program again. And it's OK for me to go to work tomorrow. Just try to feel God's heart, as frequent as possible, whenever I remember. And try to be myself, yes, to serve God.
Really no need to worry about the golf tour - no need to worry that much about this group of CEO. They'll be OK. Their ego may be big but cultivating their big ego is not what God wants. They'll be OK.
Lord, thank you Lord. You keep on telling me that it'll be OK. You've been telling me for the whole week already but I am still in doubt. So bad of me. Thank you Lord. I'll try not to be in doubt and rely on and relax in you. Thank you for telling me the above.
Lord, I am already really tired but I don't wanna go. I wanna keep talking to you and hearing your voice. Lord, it's so good to be in you.
Lord, what should I do at work? I still don't know.
The popo meeting next week. I think the only reason I promise to go is that I see you there, Lord. And as taught by Blakaby in "Experiencing God", I think, if and when you let me know you are working somewhere, that's an invitation for me to join your work there. So I need to adjust my life and my plan to come join you. It's so obvious that you're working so powerfully thru the popo campaign, so no matter what, I still wanna join the meeting next week. Lord, I still don't know if CX will be a popo sponsor/ partner again, and I don't have the faith yet that it'll happen. But I know I need to, I have to be involved and get to that meeting next week. And then, God, you'll lead the way.
And it's so interesting, my Lord. As discussed with gela the other day, all of us have different things and challenges to go thru. For her, it never is a concern or an obstacle to take a day off or two if she really feels the need to get close to you. For me, it's such a difficult thing. It's still the "professionalism" thing, I guess. Though I still very much wanna stay home and just spend time with you tomorrow, I feel I really can't do so, with so many outstanding tasks and lose ends I need to tie up before the week end.
Does it mean that I don't put you first? Does it mean that I don't love you with all my heart and soul and mind?
Lord, I don't know. It just doesn't seem right to do so. But is it "my right or wrong" or YOUR right or wrong? Is it once again that "fruit from tree of knowledge"? Lord, so what is it?
Once again I can't tell if it's voice from my heart or voice from You, but I still feel that it's OK for me to go to work ne xt week. But really to comfort me, that's why You have given me such a good long session with you tonight. It has been over 30 min now since I first started typing this journal tonight. And I enjoy it very much, my Lord, to converse with you in email/ blog.
Lord, I love you. I want more time with you. I want to do more for you. Can you help me to do so in the current environment (at work)? Or if it can't be done at this environment, can you please tell me what I should do or if I need to change so as to get closer to you and put you first in my life? Lord, I cry to you and I seek your face. I look for you. And you've said, you'll be found. So I continue to wait upon you, my Lord.
As John prayed for us last Sunday, sometime, God's work looks really slow to us. But we need to wait on our Lord, and be patient. So I'll wait, my Lord. I'll wait for you.
Thank you my Lord. It's a good night of talk. I need to talk to you like this more often. Thank you, once again, for everything you have given me and everything you have prepared for me.
Praise you, my Lord Jesus.
In name of Jesus Christ,
AMEN.
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