I had no problem at all to have a cell group with other marketplace sisters – actually I felt rather strongly for such a suggestion. However when talking about being the group leader, there was some very strong opposing feeling in my heart.
I knew something was wrong. I knew the Holy Spirity has rung a bell there – why did you react so strongly to such an idea? There must be something wrong.
My Lord has revealed something to me. First He let me see fear. Fear in my heart. Actually I have discovered so much fear in my heart since I started the Cleansing Stream course that I think I've seen more fear in my self in this past two months than the previous 30 years combined. But yes, there it is, fear.
It is fear of several things that I've seen. Fear to take up responsibility. Fear to take lead. Fear to be recognized as a leader.
The first one is rather easy to understand – fear to take up responsibility. It's quite an earthly thing.
But why would I fear to take lead or be seen as a leader? Why? Not only in SIC but even in CCF, though I am already taking such important role in shaping the future direction for the fellowship, I still didn't feel comfortable when someone else called me the 『leader』 of the group.
Why?
Do I not feel that it's what God has called me to do? I think I feel quite strongly those directions for CCF are what God told us to go for. Do I feel that God has only given me the direction but has not explicitly told me to be leader of the group? ... may be. But it's so obvious that he has blessed me with such related gifts. Then why do I feel so uncomfortable?
It's the same thing for the cell group as Helen suggested. I actually don't mind doing work as what a cell group leader is supposed to do. But I just feel extremely uncomfortable when I should be called or recognized as such.
Why?
Is it because of the monster of pride that I fear hidden in my heart? Or actually I feel that I don't deserve to be a leader in God's kingdom? That I feel I'm no better than any one else so how can I be a leader? How can I lead others?
Well, but may be that's the point that goes wrong – who said that a leader needs to be 『better』 than others? Certainly, it's just one of the roles in God's plan, right? And if I truly believe that in God's plan there is a unique role for every body and they are equally good and equally valued in God's eyes, why does it matter that I'm a leader or not? We just be who we are and do what God told us to do at whichever time and place He sets us out to do.
Yes, I think I fear of this temptation too much, i.e. To think myself be better or smarter than someone else. So this fear becomes a bondage to me too.
Lord, please help me. I place this lie and bondage into your good hands. Please help me to break away from it and give me freedom in you, so I can be free to serve you the way you want me to be. Lord, so I can be free to do whatever you have set out me to do. Lord, I have decided to give this to you so you can clean up this place in my heart so we can regain this land from the evil one in my life.
Lord, thank you. I know you will do this because you have said so in the bible.
Thank you Lord. Thank you.
1 comment:
Wasn't Moses also reluctant in the beginning when the Lord asked him to lead Israel out of Egypt? You might be feeling the same fear the great prophet had felt: fear that you're not good enough, fear that you'll fail, fear that you'll succumb to the abominable thing we call 'pride'...
Moses was "slow of speech and of a slow tongue", but the Lord put Aaron, who "can speak well", at his side to "be for a mouth" to Moses.
I hope I'm making any sense here... ^_^ What I was trying to say, if God does not directly remove your obstacle, He will certainly help you through other people. The Lord equips the ones He sends, wouldn't you agree?
You are really honest with yourself and I admire that in you. We all have to deal with pride. But I suppose the fact that you've recognized it as your potential obstacle is a very good thing. Now that you know who/what your enemy is, you can take it on.
I do think you've taken the best step: leave it in His hands. Complete surrender is always the best path to take, right?
love in Christ,
MP
ps: you might remember me from Livejournal.com. I had an account under the username "mpogalin". I changed my username, so the link on your main page doesn't work anymore. You can call me MP. ^_^
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