Thanks for the drought

The 29DEC CCF was our last meeting in 2005 and we dedicated this meeting to thanks-giving to God for what He has done in our lives this year.

As you can read from my previous post, lots of things have happened to me and my family this year and I am most grateful for them. But today, when I was sitting in that room, gathering with other brothers and sisters, giving God our thanks and glorifying Him with our testimony, another thought came into my mind.

I wanna thank God for the spiritual drought I have been experiencing in the past 6+ months.

It's strange - at least it's strange to me! I think it must be from the Holy Spirit. Because from myself, I could hardly say "thanks" and be grateful for such period of dryness. But it is THAT miraculous, this thought that Holy Spirit has put into my heart. So I shared with the group and thanked our Lord for it.

It's most amazing and such a brand new feeling for me. I have prayed and prayed to our Lord to try get away from this drought before. I had never been grateful for it. To me, it was something no good, either because of sin or because of prunning. In either case, something I need to get away and escape from.

But since this thanksgiving gathering and Holy Spirit's reminder, I started to have a new feeling about it. A whole new sense of peace and joyfulness, the sense of God's presence in my life. A way different from before in the "sweet sweet smile" time, but, He's here. He has been with me, all along. He only wants the best for me, as He always does, including this difficult time. It may still be difficult, it may still be tough. But now, I learn to be grateful, and really giving my thanks and praise to God, even in such time.

It's such a new experience. And my Lord, I thank you again for this. Thank you.

My 2006 MPP - version 1

A. Background & Implications

1. At the right place
- yes, already there: in MKT, in CCF, in popo hompy

2. Do the right thing - not so right, yet. Still feeling lost.
- mostly for work: not feeling right (or feeling right only sparingly in some occasions), sth's wrong. my role is wrong, so things don't fall into the right place
- CCF: not too clear, either: where God wants us to go. My role: more active role?
- popo hompy: gets better here. yes. the "work tribe" and their struggles.

3. Picture/ Vision
- Opening this door I know is the work place, stepping into a different world. Slopes and slopes of green grass, pink and yellow flowers.
- The white road from my door branching out and out and out, reaching so many so many different doors, floating in the air over the slopes. I know these are lives that I would otherwise no way to touch or come across if not thru the work place door.

4. Spiritual Drought and Struggles
- Intended for my own good? for others' benefit? Sin? Prunning?
- More eager and crave for God. No complacency. Struggle.


B. Target Markets

1. general - people at work place
- especially those who struggle: feel frustrated and disappointed and unsatisfied at work and want something better in life

2. very specific - in & thru CX
- Christians in CX: CCF
- team mates, CX colleagues
- biz partners: people, other lifes that I touch thru my role and my work in CX


C. Objectives

1. To Love God: with all my heart, all my soul, all my strength, all my mind - i.e. to put Him FIRST
- for myself & for others (as in #2 - it's the most loving thing I can do for others!)
2. To Love others as myself


D. Strategies

1. To serve God and Love God by living with my passion
- to find my role, to live out my passion
- joy will be overflowing and things will fall into the right place
- others will see it. others will feel it. so they would wanna find their passion, their way to God, too.

2. To keep a pure, humble, thanks-giving heart
- so I can hear and be close to God, always.
- so I will obey, always.
- so I will give thanks and appreciate EVERY THING God has for me, always.
- so I will love God, always.

E. Programmes

???

Thanksgiving and a grateful heart

The more I thought about it, the more I thought it had something to do with a thanksgiving and grateful heart - or something to do for MISSING one - I am talking about my 2005 review.

I just try to put myself back into the mind set or mood about a year ago: with my heart then and with what has happened this year, wouldn't I be touched deep deep deep down and my heart be always filled with gratefulness and my eyes with tears of joy, all the time?

Come on. God has done so many great things in my life. God has done so much in me and in people around me. I've experienced Him so mightyly. How can I not feel grateful and joyful? How can I not feel His love and presence?

I think I have lost it - a thanksgiving heart, a thankful heart, a grateful heart. Don't know how and when, my soft heart was lost and a stoney heart took its place: it takes things for granted and doesn't know appreciation or thankfulness. It doesn't know to repent or to see to my own unworthyness.

Again and again I pray. But never hard enough to really, really let go and break down of this stone heart and be humble and totally lay flat in front of my Lord my God to get this "heart surgery" done.

My Lord, I come to you and again I pray, wholeheartedly. Please, please remove this stoney heart from within me. Please forgive me for the pride and self rightousness that I have, and for my taking things for granted and ungratefulness. Lord, there is no rightous man in front of you, not even one. Lord, no, I don't deserve all these that You have done for me. They were not given to me as a "reward". No, Lord. I know, these are gifts from you. Free gifts. Not that we earned or we deserve them. But this is your love. And only in your love it is possible that I am praying to you like this, right now. Only because you love me so much that you hear my prayer, you heart the cry from bottom of my heart, and that your Holy Spirit pray for me, so I know, my Lord, so I know I need to come to you for repentant. I need to come to you for your forgiveness. For I need to come to you for a new heart, my Lord.

My Lord, please help me. Please help me to keep my heart clean, humble, and grateful. Please help me to keep my heart clean so I can hear you, always. Please help me to keep my heart humble, so I can be obedient and live out your will, always. Please help me to keep my heart grateful, so I can feel your love and bring you praise and thanksgiving as my sacrifice, always.

Lord, may I ask for this as my new year present? I don't wanna move backward any more, my Lord. I wanna move forward in you. I wanna grow more like you. 2005 was no good in that sense because, when I look back, I've indeed moved backward, though You have been so grateful and so loving that You never ceased working in and around me. But I haven't played my part, my Lord, just that you've done yours. No I don't want that any longer, my Lord. I wanna grow in You. Grow more like you Jesus my saviour. Let me love you and grow more like you. Lord, please help me. This is what I wanna do MOST in 2006 - to grow more like you.

2005 - regress or progress?

When the year-end count down got started and when I tried to look back at all those things happened in 2005, my initial reaction has been "regression" - I felt that things have not moved forward but actually moved backward.

1. beginning of the year

I still remember, when this year has just started, I felt excited and expectant but also nervous and unsure, of what would lay ahead in 2005. I still remember, we just learned of Jesse's decision to leave CX then, and this thought of getting into his position started gathering in my mind then.

Also interesting is the development of CCF - they just made an announcement that the Cantonese and English Fellowship would be combined in coming year. How obvious that God was at work there to bring about unity! So I made the committment to attend CCF regularly, from this year on.

A less strong feeling but also promising thought was about the family. Wesley promised to accompany me to Sunday worship of our church on 9 Jan 2005 - his first attendance of the Sunday service! A sign that something had changed in his heart. I still didn't know when he would believe in Christ, but the feeling that he would ultimately accept Jesus in his life has grown even stronger.

And an even fainter feeling, that someday, the whole family (i.e. my parents and Wes' parents) will also accept Jesus as their saviour. Just didn't know when that would happen.

Anyway, to summarize, I was at beginning of the year, full of hope and expectancy and was in this tremendously "sweet sweet" honeymoon period with God that joy and laughter would simply beaming out from my smile from my eyes from my face, all the time.

2. now?

I am so unsure. I've experienced so much ups and downs in the past few months! And the dominant feeling I have now for most of the time is what someone called "the spiritual drought" (屬靈枯乾期): i.e. most of the time I feel stuck and can't feel the presence of God and feel that can't hear His voice clearly and can't feel His love or joy...

And I think, this is the main reason I feel it has been a regression year.

3. But, wait...

But when I think about it again, carefully looking back at what took place this year and what happened, actually there are a lot of blessings I need to count! And by the number and significance and intensity and importance of all these, I really can't say that it's not a year of progress!

- Wesley has accepted Jesus Christ into his life.
- Both Wes' parents have also accepted Jesus Christ into their life.
- How Wes' Dad got the stroke and recovered
- How Wes and I experienced God's help and presence and healing power and building our faith
- How I have finally opted out GML and took up Jesse's previous post
- How I started attending CCF more regularly and became a core team member
- Even the latest development of taking a more active role in popo activities and popo hompy
- And I've got my own blog, too!

4. so...?

I think I'm not ready to make any conclusion yet, at this point. And as 抱抱管家 said, it's not like at work that there is a task list to tick or to complete task, isn't it?

Just that, I think, it's fair to say, no matter what I feel, my Lord Jesus has always been with me, all along. It doesn't matter whether I feel His presence or not, He's still there. And who know? May be it's really God's intention for me for not feeling His presence and not experiencing His sweetness now. No I don't have an answer. But I got this strange and particular thought in my mind when we talked about the 抱抱上班族 role and how this word "struggle" rang in our mind - struggle, right? No I didn't feel that much struggle when I was in the "sweet sweet smile" period. No at that time I didn't feel this heavyness at heart. What if this, "struggle", is what God has intended for me? what if it's "the cross" for me? the struggle and weight at heart for these people at work? what would I think?

And then this prayer came to my mind. And let it be my prayer, too:

"My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." Matthew 26:39

Amen.

Time: Persons of the Year 2005 - Bono of U2

Bono of the rock band U2, together with Bill and Melinda Gates, are featured as Persons of the Year 2005 by Time magazine.

I have been reading this story of Bono in a nearly addicted way. They are recognized as Persons of the Year because of the effect they have brought along in ending the world's extreme poverty, for people in developing countries. Just by reading the article you can feel how these people and these issues are rooted so deeply in Bono's heart.

It struck me when I read this line when the writer talked about Bono's work:

This is not about pity. It's more about passion.

Yes, that's passion I see in Bono's life, as a Christian himself (I believe he is...).

And Bono's thought on how to balance his work for the poverty and his music also touched my heart deeply. This is what he said:

It's tricky if you're recording a vocal to get called out because there's a finance minister on the phone. It's hard explaining that to the rest of the band. I've got to be careful because music is what's given me the license, and I have to serve it. I have crossed that line and gone too far. I'm trying to figure this out as we speak. It's not easy. The thing you've really got to watch is that it's always a life-or-death issue, so you can play martyr. If somebody doesn't play Live 8, it's like, "You're killing Africans!" [Laughter]

The writer at Time said it well:

It might be possible to imagine Bono shedding his title as the world's greatest activist and reverting to his previous role as its biggest rock star--except that his happiness and peace of mind so obviously depend on being both.

I think, may be that's Bono's "cross"...

***

btw, I also thought of Ellen @ at17 when I was reading this article. I remember clearly what she shared in their last concert, how much she felt for the people she met in Africa, and how she wanted to do more for them:

Ellen, would really like to share Bono's story with you. May be in it you'll find inspiration, on how you, too, can do and can be much more for those people in need in Africa.

popo hompy and prayer meeting and passion searching

1.popo hompy

Went to Vision on Monday night. Sui shared with us the new version of his story, his latest creative drive, and his invitation to us for the popo hompy. When he was still talking, I've already got this identity in my heart: “抱抱上班族” (hug hug people at work).

Then when sui sent me the password yesterday, he wrote “you find your role, and what you should do, and write about. can start at anytime.” Then I asked myself: have I really found my role? And what I should do?

2. Sui's another email

And there was another email from sui, thanking ah shun and ah lun and others for the job well done on the “rebranded” popo hompy. And sui said: “ 能夠做自己熱愛的事情，是從衪神來的獨特恩典。” (can do what one LOVES to do, is a special grace from God.)

Then I think to myself, what do I really love to do? Really, enjoy doing it so much that I'd forget myself in it?

3. Prayer meeting tonight

Helen invited me to share at the prayer meeting tonight. The topic was “work place ministry”. When I was preparing what to share about, this incident during AAPA came back to me: how Michelle asked me once and again, what made me so happy, even with so much work and pressure to deal with. And how the Holy Spirit inspired me to answer: because Jesus in my life.

4. passion at work, passion for work

I thought of this incident. And I also thought of the other incidents: during rehearsal for the “Top of the City” performance, during on-site decoration or problem-solving for the HKIR or AAPA, or some of the good time at IFE... at some of those moments, although I was really really busy and was buried in work and need to work for long hours, instead of feeling exhausted or dry up, I actually felt great and felt that God was with me and I truly enjoyed those periods.

I still can't fully comprehend it, but somehow, I start to see how work, even in the commercial world, can be my act and my sacrifice and my service to God, as long as this is what He has called me to do. While on one hand the work itself can be seen as totally not related to His work, but at the same time, the work itself CAN BE all HIS work. When I'm truly into it, I then forget myself and really feel His presence, working with Him, or Him working thru me. When I'm truly into it, even people around me can see the difference. Yes, His light & His joy would be able to shine thru me, when I am truly working in Him.

Just that, these are still just some of the rare moments. Am still finding the way and the key and need to pray that I can remain there, always. Lord, please grant me this blessing to work and live in your presence, always!

Not Worthy

Lord is so very faithful - though I have experienced His faithfulness for so many times, every time I learn it again I am still so amazed and thankful. This morning I prayed, and this morning He answered my prayer.

I was reading Luke this morning (Really READING out from my mouth - it's a very good learning and practice!). And I was very touched at my heart when I reached this line:

But when Simon Peter saw it, he fell down at Jesus' knees, saying, "Depart from me, for I am a sinful man, O Lord." Luk 5:8

Peter said so after he has got a full load of fish, after following Jesus's instruction to set down their net once again.

I have never felt so deeply for my unworthyness for God's love - this is what Peter was talking about. That he felt so shameful for his sin that he wanna stay away from Jesus. The unworthyness that he felt, touched my heart deeply: what about me?

I felt bad because I have always felt so good about myself. I felt so very very 糟糕 (bad) then. I prayed to our Lord, "I'm so sorry Lord. I'm really really 糟糕, really 糟糕..."

But when I knew and confessed to Jesus how 糟糕 I was, then I experienced the mercy of our Lord. I seemed to hear Him say, "nothing can make me love you more, nothing can make me love you less. I just love you, THAT MUCH, no matter what you do, or not do. There is nothing you can do to 'earn' my love to you. There is nothing you can do to make me NOT loving you." When I tried to ask why, He said, it's His nature, Love is His nature.

And then this hymn came to my mind:

憂傷痛悔的心
主必不輕看

Yes, 主必不輕看. Thanks so much, my Lord.

at17 concert

In at17's concert today, I once again experienced the great love from God. They were singing “才女” then. I held Wesley's hand, and knowing that, it's great blessing from God that we've got one another. I'm so very very grateful.

BTW, the concert was very, very good. The atmosphere was so good in Shouson Theatre. It was a small theatre – it was good exactly because it was so small. You could see Ellen and Eman so up close. You didn't really feel that they were on stage and you were off stage. Instead of a performance, it was more like experiencing their music, together.

The only regret was, we were not allowed to take any pictures during the concert. So I could not put up any pics here to share. Need to wait for them at their own website or hompy then.