The more I thought about it, the more I thought it had something to do with a thanksgiving and grateful heart - or something to do for MISSING one - I am talking about my 2005 review.
I just try to put myself back into the mind set or mood about a year ago: with my heart then and with what has happened this year, wouldn't I be touched deep deep deep down and my heart be always filled with gratefulness and my eyes with tears of joy, all the time?
Come on. God has done so many great things in my life. God has done so much in me and in people around me. I've experienced Him so mightyly. How can I not feel grateful and joyful? How can I not feel His love and presence?
I think I have lost it - a thanksgiving heart, a thankful heart, a grateful heart. Don't know how and when, my soft heart was lost and a stoney heart took its place: it takes things for granted and doesn't know appreciation or thankfulness. It doesn't know to repent or to see to my own unworthyness.
Again and again I pray. But never hard enough to really, really let go and break down of this stone heart and be humble and totally lay flat in front of my Lord my God to get this "heart surgery" done.
My Lord, I come to you and again I pray, wholeheartedly. Please, please remove this stoney heart from within me. Please forgive me for the pride and self rightousness that I have, and for my taking things for granted and ungratefulness. Lord, there is no rightous man in front of you, not even one. Lord, no, I don't deserve all these that You have done for me. They were not given to me as a "reward". No, Lord. I know, these are gifts from you. Free gifts. Not that we earned or we deserve them. But this is your love. And only in your love it is possible that I am praying to you like this, right now. Only because you love me so much that you hear my prayer, you heart the cry from bottom of my heart, and that your Holy Spirit pray for me, so I know, my Lord, so I know I need to come to you for repentant. I need to come to you for your forgiveness. For I need to come to you for a new heart, my Lord.
My Lord, please help me. Please help me to keep my heart clean, humble, and grateful. Please help me to keep my heart clean so I can hear you, always. Please help me to keep my heart humble, so I can be obedient and live out your will, always. Please help me to keep my heart grateful, so I can feel your love and bring you praise and thanksgiving as my sacrifice, always.
Lord, may I ask for this as my new year present? I don't wanna move backward any more, my Lord. I wanna move forward in you. I wanna grow more like you. 2005 was no good in that sense because, when I look back, I've indeed moved backward, though You have been so grateful and so loving that You never ceased working in and around me. But I haven't played my part, my Lord, just that you've done yours. No I don't want that any longer, my Lord. I wanna grow in You. Grow more like you Jesus my saviour. Let me love you and grow more like you. Lord, please help me. This is what I wanna do MOST in 2006 - to grow more like you.
2 comments:
Let's walk together. So much to learn indeed. My heart also cry to be more like Jesus for the year to come. Take away the pride and self righteousness, take away the thought that I'm being ok and the feeling that I've done so much. And let's be the girls that HE want us to be, not the ones that we ourselves choose to pretent. In HIM, we are all learning.
Yes, pls do. And need to walk more, together.
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