1. beginning of the year
I still remember, when this year has just started, I felt excited and expectant but also nervous and unsure, of what would lay ahead in 2005. I still remember, we just learned of Jesse's decision to leave CX then, and this thought of getting into his position started gathering in my mind then.
Also interesting is the development of CCF - they just made an announcement that the Cantonese and English Fellowship would be combined in coming year. How obvious that God was at work there to bring about unity! So I made the committment to attend CCF regularly, from this year on.
A less strong feeling but also promising thought was about the family. Wesley promised to accompany me to Sunday worship of our church on 9 Jan 2005 - his first attendance of the Sunday service! A sign that something had changed in his heart. I still didn't know when he would believe in Christ, but the feeling that he would ultimately accept Jesus in his life has grown even stronger.
And an even fainter feeling, that someday, the whole family (i.e. my parents and Wes' parents) will also accept Jesus as their saviour. Just didn't know when that would happen.
Anyway, to summarize, I was at beginning of the year, full of hope and expectancy and was in this tremendously "sweet sweet" honeymoon period with God that joy and laughter would simply beaming out from my smile from my eyes from my face, all the time.
2. now?
I am so unsure. I've experienced so much ups and downs in the past few months! And the dominant feeling I have now for most of the time is what someone called "the spiritual drought" (屬靈枯乾期): i.e. most of the time I feel stuck and can't feel the presence of God and feel that can't hear His voice clearly and can't feel His love or joy...
And I think, this is the main reason I feel it has been a regression year.
3. But, wait...
But when I think about it again, carefully looking back at what took place this year and what happened, actually there are a lot of blessings I need to count! And by the number and significance and intensity and importance of all these, I really can't say that it's not a year of progress!
- Wesley has accepted Jesus Christ into his life.
- Both Wes' parents have also accepted Jesus Christ into their life.
- How Wes' Dad got the stroke and recovered
- How Wes and I experienced God's help and presence and healing power and building our faith
- How I have finally opted out GML and took up Jesse's previous post
- How I started attending CCF more regularly and became a core team member
- Even the latest development of taking a more active role in popo activities and popo hompy
- And I've got my own blog, too!
4. so...?
I think I'm not ready to make any conclusion yet, at this point. And as 抱抱管家 said, it's not like at work that there is a task list to tick or to complete task, isn't it?
Just that, I think, it's fair to say, no matter what I feel, my Lord Jesus has always been with me, all along. It doesn't matter whether I feel His presence or not, He's still there. And who know? May be it's really God's intention for me for not feeling His presence and not experiencing His sweetness now. No I don't have an answer. But I got this strange and particular thought in my mind when we talked about the 抱抱上班族 role and how this word "struggle" rang in our mind - struggle, right? No I didn't feel that much struggle when I was in the "sweet sweet smile" period. No at that time I didn't feel this heavyness at heart. What if this, "struggle", is what God has intended for me? what if it's "the cross" for me? the struggle and weight at heart for these people at work? what would I think?
And then this prayer came to my mind. And let it be my prayer, too:
"My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." Matthew 26:39Amen.
3 comments:
Bless u
Thanks Grace. It makes me smile to read your entry. I remember asking Tommy the exact question that why do I seem not to "hear" God as when I first accepted Christ. I don't feel despair but just uncertain. Then Tommy reminded me something very important. He said ALL that God has to say to us He has said already. All we have to do is to look into His Words and we will find the answer. Amen!
O Jei Jei
Yes, such good reminder: "ALL that GOd has to say to us He has said already." The problem is, I might not have done all that He has already told me. That's what missing, isn't it?
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