I'm now on my way to a funeral. I guess this is the first time I attend a funeral of a person same at my age. And the first one I personally know who died of suicide.
I knew Roger since first year in secondary school. We were in different classes. Not particularly close - I had not seen her since we graduated.
That night, I got an SMS from an old school friend, asking me if I knew Roger. 'Yes, of course. Why?' I asked. Then he replied, 'she suicide yesterday.' I stared at my phone, speechless, my mind went blank. I have been thinking about her since then. Why?
My mind traveled back to secondary school time. Roger was in class B, and I in class F. The two elite classes in our school. We never went to the same class. I got to know her more because of a common friend. He called her 'Sai Lo', little brother. So we followed. That's how I got acquainted with Sai Lo.
Sai Lo was a lovely person. Always cheerful, and so kind to others. If there was any hint, might be the relationship she had with her boyfriend then? It seemed she was very devoted to him and that she took that relationship very seriously. Might be too seriously.
After graduation from secondary school, we went on different paths and we didn't really meet. But as Sai Lo became a teacher at our secondary school, I would still hear news about her.
What shocked me most, and made me feel so much for her passing away, was probably the fact that she decided to end her own life. And the picture of her mom in newspaper, looking for her daughter at the school because she didn't receive the daily call from her and couldn't find her anywhere, only to hear this shocking sad news from the headmaster and other teachers at the school.
Why? I couldn't help ask. Why? If she loved her mom so much to ring her up every day, how could she so determined to leave her mom moaning for her death? No I couldn't understand. I could only imagine that she was at that point in life so painful and hopeless that she could no longer care for persons that she loved, but to end her own life.
Why? I asked myself again. If a cheerful lovely smart girl like Roger would end up this way, then what's the way out? What hope is left? In particular, if a loving daughter like that still left her parents with such sadness, what Chinese said 'white headed to send off the dark headed', then what hope is there for parents? How should we raise our own kids? People always say being a parent is a life long task. But who would have expected this? After that long journey of raising up the kids, sending them to school, seeing them settled down, got a job, got married - then suddenly, gone. As a mom now, I guess this is what I find most sad and shocking and difficult to accept.
Hope, the only ultimate hope in this world, is Jesus Christ. Lord You are the only hope. Only in You we can say there is always hope. Even if there is no hope in this world, You are our hope in the world to come. Only if we have You we know no matter what, we don't need to resolve to ending our own lives.
Lord, there is not much I can do for Sai Lo now. May I pray to You to give peace to her family - her husband, still, and especially her mom, but also her students. It just hurts so much for people around her to accept this. Please give them peace.
And Lord, may I pray for every single person out there, who still has not yet found You, the ultimate hope in their lives. Lord, it's so heart breaking to see people losing hope to end their lives. And then this despair got spread around to others around them. Lord, may I pray to You to send many workers out there to harvest many souls. May I pray that I become one of the many that You use and send out to bring people back to You, so they'd see You, know You, know hope, and know true life.
In Jesus's name I pray, amen.
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